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On a recent episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, Jerry Seinfeld and Eddie Murphy are driving around in a Porsche Carrera talking about anything and everything.  Seinfeld says, “You know when you see two people talking, one of them is giving the other one advice…saying something like, ‘What I’ve learned…’ or ‘In my experience…’”

What Do You Think?

It’s funny because we know it’s true — we’ve all been on the sending and receiving end of unsolicited advice.  As this Psychology Today article confirms, however, being told what we should do actually makes us feel defensive.  When a coaching client asks for advice, I remind them that my job is to help them find their own answers.  If they insist, I might say, “What I’ve seen others do in a similar situation is…” and then ask, “How do you feel about that?”

Own It

Research tells us that giving advice appeals mostly to the rational parts of the brain.  I also want to engage the feeling part of the brain so my client can make the best possible decision – and own it.

As I’m writing, I realize that I need to practice this approach more in my personal life.  Is there anything you might need to change in how you respond when someone asks for advice? Here is a Harvard Business Review article that might be helpful.  Notice I didn’t say that you should read it!

What do you do when that voice in your head is saying, “You aren’t good enough”?

If you try to ignore it does it just get louder and more persistent?

What You Resist Persists

Psychologist Carl Jung said, “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”  When my clients need to tame that mean little monster who wants them to fail, we focus first on understanding and accepting where the monster comes from.  Then we identify some possible responses to it.

A Mantra Gives You Power

A very powerful response is a short, positive mantra in the present tense that you can repeat whenever you hear the monster’s voice.  If the monster says, “You’ll look stupid in that meeting with your boss if you don’t have all the answers,” your mantra might be, “I know everything I need to know.”  That enables you to say with confidence, “I don’t know but I will find out.”

What might be different if you respond rather than resist that monster in your head?