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Blog where are you going compass

Can you envision your world after the pandemic?  It’s almost impossible to do because there are so many unknowns, including how to define when it’s “over”.  It’s hard to know where we go from here.  Listening to Brené Brown’s podcast on Grief and Finding Meaning helped me process my feelings about the losses I’ve experienced and reminded me to refocus on my purpose: I make the world a better place by helping people be the best version of themselves.

FINDING MEANING THROUGH PURPOSE

In Man’s Search for Meaning Viktor Frankl explained that having a clear purpose helps us avoid feeling that we have suffered in vain.  I went back to this exercise from my training at Six Seconds, the first and largest organization 100% dedicated to the development of emotional intelligence (EQ):

Step One: Create a Mission Statement

Follow the example answers in red through each step.

First write at least three words to answer each of the following questions:

1. In the world I want to see less  (emptiness    judgement    anger)

2. Instead I want more  (caring    compassion    patience)

3. To make this happen people need to  (be healthy    consider others’ perspectives     understand themselves better)

Go back and circle the one answer to each question that jumps out at you.

Next answer this question:

4. What quality do I want to strengthen in myself so I can help make this happen?   (EQ    empathy   self-awareness)

Finally, create a Mission Statement by putting your answers to those four questions together like this: 

I will #4 to help people #3 so the world is more #2 and less #1.

Example Mission Statement:  I will tap into my EQ to help people be healthy so the world is more caring and there is less emptiness. 

Step Two: Define Your Purpose

Consider why that mission is important to you.  What do you want people to say at your funeral?

Example Purpose:  I make the world a better place by helping people be the best version of themselves.

MOVING FORWARD

To move forward we need to make sense of our experience.  Asking these questions can help:

  • What have I learned that makes me feel grateful?
  • How will I apply what I have learned to fulfill my purpose?

With a clear purpose you can now take action, regain some sense of control and reduce stress.  What is one way you will fulfill your purpose in the next week?

what you need

In a recent team building session, the participants said they really enjoyed learning more about their colleagues and appreciated understanding themselves better.  They also valued the opportunity to practice what I call the recipe for success – asking for what you need.

Accept Responsibility for Getting What You Need

Whether coaching an executive or working with a team, my message is the same:  learn what you need and ask for it.  It can be really hard for high achievers to admit that they need something from someone else, but no one succeeds in a vacuum and we can’t expect others to read our minds.

Specifics Help You Tell Others What You Need

Most people are willing to help their colleagues, and being specific makes that easier.  If you need more time to reflect on a complex issue and you are being pressured to make a decision quickly, you could explain, “I can give you an answer now or I can give you a better answer at noon tomorrow.”

Know What Contributes to Your Success

You may be a very team-oriented person who also needs to have your individual efforts recognized.  Your colleagues are probably not aware of this need because your usual behavior doesn’t give them a clue.  This makes it especially important for you to let your boss and key colleagues know that you are a lot more productive when you are able to measure and receive feedback on your performance.

Now that you have the recipe for success – whip up something good!

push

My trainer kept saying, “Come on, you can do this!” even though I told him my foot wasn’t rehabbed enough for jumping.  The more he insisted, the more resistant I became.  I will push myself pretty hard, but not to the point of potentially doing damage.

How Much is Too Much?

Because he wasn’t getting it I questioned my own approach to pushing my coaching clients beyond their comfort zone. It is one of the toughest things I have to do, but discomfort is sometimes necessary to stimulate behavior change.

Stretch Without Breaking

Leaders also have to find the right balance when pushing their team members.  The best way to provide challenges that will stretch people without breaking them is to invest the time to learn:

  • What motivates the person
  • What de-motivates them

Where to Start?

A personality assessment like the Birkman is a great starting point, so contact cheryl@csbryan.com if you would like to explore how to add this to your leadership toolkit.

I’m Right, You’re Wrong

How many times a day do we think or say, “That is so stupid!”? The statement infers that we are smarter than someone else, that we are right and they are wrong.  That attitude makes it impossible to find common ground in conflict resolution.

 

Where is that Getting Us?

This issue came up with two of my clients recently so I challenged them to come up with a non-judgmental word to substitute for “stupid.”  It wasn’t easy letting go of that powerful feeling of being right, but they were each frustrated enough with the lack of progress in resolving their differences with colleagues that they agreed to work on it.

 

This is Smart!

The exercise enabled my clients to see things from the other person’s perspective, and that helped them move forward.  How about you?  Are you ready to try a new approach to achieving your objectives?  If so, I invite you to consider an issue from the perspective of someone with whom you disagree.  That’s not stupid; it’s smart!

Have you ever stopped to consider how many things do you do without thinking?  I have always sliced an apple with the small end down, even though it tends to wobble.  Recently, my apple rolled over and I realized how much easier it is to slice it with the large end down.

Who Taught You?

I suppose my mother taught me to slice it that way and I never considered doing it differently.  When you think about the people who taught you about being a leader, who comes to mind?  What made the good ones effective and the bad ones hard to forget?  How did they shape your leadership style?

Is There a Better Way?

In What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith reminds us to ask, “How am I doing?” on a regular basis.  The answers tell us what we need to continue doing and what we need to reconsider.  Are there some things you have been doing so long that you no longer pay attention to whether they are effective?

Adding Too Much Value

Of the 20 habits Goldsmith lists in his book, one of the most common I see in my executive coaching clients is adding their two cents to every discussion.  Your team isn’t very likely to be motivated by a leader who says, “That’s a good idea but…”  If you wonder whether this is an issue for you, ask someone you trust.

Like the apple, I invite you to turn your leadership style upside down and see if you need to slice it differently.

How often do you hear people say, “I have to go to the gym” or “I have to go to my daughter’s game?” Doesn’t it sound like a burden when they put it that way? Ranks right up there with, “I have to go to the dentist.”

My clients are often concerned about how people will react to them working with a coach, especially if their company typically uses coaching only to address potential career derailing behaviors. Early in the coaching engagement, we explore how they plan to discuss this with their colleagues. I recommend that they use a positive, enthusiastic tone when they say, “I get to work with a coach to learn how I can be most effective.” Compare that statement to this one, spoken in an annoyed voice: “I’m not really sure why, but my boss said I have to work with a coach.” Which point of view do you think will lead to success?

If you know someone who has dealt with a health crisis, you have probably heard about the healing power of a positive point of view. I invite you to find out what happens when you change yours from “having to do something” to “getting to do something.