Discover how to communicate clearly and build lasting relationships.

Call 911!

“You in the red shirt call 911!”  The instructor in my CPR training class was demonstrating the importance of making a very clear and specific request.  She explained that if you say, “Someone call 911” it’s likely that no one will call because they all assume someone else will do it.

Most of us aren’t dealing with emergency situations every day so you might be wondering why I’m writing about this.  Almost all of my clients need help communicating effectively and this advice translates to non-emergency situations as well.  Here are a couple of examples:

  • “Jenny I need you to follow up with accounting on this past due issue by Friday at noon” is more effective than “Somebody needs to take care of this past due issue ASAP.”
  • “Would you play back what I said so I can be sure we’re on the same page?”

Effective communication is making your request clear and specific so you can get what you need.  How can you apply this today?

Adjusting Style to Your Audience

On the Harvard Business Review website there are more than 10,000 articles, books, webinars and videos that mention communication skills.  Would you agree that effective communication is essential to success in business?

For my clients who struggle with adjusting style to their audience in formal presentations or everyday interactions, I recommend the following methodology:

  1. Identify your goal
  • So you can be intentional about your approach
  1. Know your audience
  • What are their expectations and personality types?
  1. Get feedback in advance
  • For formal presentations and discussions that might be difficult
  • Build consensus with key stakeholders who will support your position
  1. Follow up
  • Ensure your message was heard
  • Learn how you can improve

The more you practice, the more effectively you will be able to communicate in any situation.  As they say in the theatre business, “Break a leg!”

How Am I Doing?

During his three terms as the mayor of New York Ed Koch asked everyone he met, “How am I doing?”  He didn’t want to wait for an election to find out.  How did you do last year?

Did You Ask?

The more senior your role, the less likely you are to have a formal discussion about how you’re doing.  Many companies have moved away from formal evaluations completely.  Whether you get formal feedback or not, you may be reluctant to ask your boss for informal feedback because:

  • You don’t want to be micromanaged
  • No news is good news
  • It’s the boss’s job to initiate these conversations
  • You might have to make some changes

Find an Approach That Works

If it is important to you to know what you’re doing well and how you could improve, and you work for someone who isn’t good at giving feedback, you owe it to your boss and yourself to find an approach that works well for both of you.  Real time feedback is best but not everyone is comfortable with that.  Ask your boss what she or he prefers.  You might get the best feedback during conversations over coffee.  If more structure appeals to you, you could suggest regularly scheduled discussions focused on one or two key areas.

If you don’t ask, then how will you know how you’re doing?

How to End Well

When the end of a year end rolls around, I’m reminded of conversations with coaching clients about ending well.  At the end of a coaching engagement, we look back to where we started and review progress toward the objectives that were identified.  We also recall lessons learned and how to apply those going forward.  Then, we celebrate successes.

Consider These Questions

As you look back, consider whether any of these questions could help you end well:

  • Whom do you need to forgive (including yourself)?
  • What conversation could clear the air and improve a relationship?
  • How can you take the high road?

I invite you to take action on at least one thing that will give you a reason to celebrate a success and end on a positive note.

I Feel Your Pain

Are you the person everyone comes to see when they need to vent?  Do you spend a lot of time comforting colleagues, friends and family members and then find yourself depressed and exhausted?

Empathy Can Drain You

We are told that empathy is important in understanding how others feel, and yet it can drain us if we take on too many of someone else’s negative emotions.  Practicing compassion along with empathy enables us to relate to others who are suffering without becoming too distressed.

Take Action

Taking actions like these helps us feel that we can make a difference and gives us strength to resist the temptation to wallow in someone else’s misery:

  • Avoid blame
  • Encourage cooperation
  • Give to charitable causes

If you are a naturally empathetic person, I invite you to consider approaching the other person’s pain from your point of view rather than trying to mirror their feelings, and notice the impact on your mental health.

The Art of Disagreement

If you have been to a wedding recently, you might have been asked to write a note of advice for the newlyweds.  Mine is always the same – master the art of disagreement.

Agree to Disagree

Agreeing to disagree is an important skill in any relationship, personal or professional.  There are times when we need to listen to the other person’s opinion, respectfully express our own, and recognize when the discussion is not going to change anyone’s mind.

When to Try a Different Approach

This can be a challenge for those of us who are able to use our powers of persuasion quite effectively most of the time.  It might be worth considering a different approach when:

  • The issues aren’t black or white – exploring the gray area requires seeing the other person’s perspective
  • Emotions are strong – calling a truce when things get heated can help us avoid saying things we will regret later
  • The stakes are high – instead of creating a win/lose situation, honoring both sides can help maintain the relationship

That is the secret to the art of disagreement:  focusing on the relationship instead of winning the argument.  What if everyone tried that for a change?