- Purpose– Remember why you decided to make these changes. Focus on the benefits for yourself and others.
- Patience– Expect that you will fall back into old behaviors under stress. Give yourself a break and ask others to do the same.
- Practice– It takes about a year of consistent practice, feedback and accountability to sustain a behavior change.
- Plan– Who will be your feedback and accountability partners? How will you deal with setbacks?
I love it when a client wants to share her insight from a coaching session. One of my clients recently identified the pitfalls of trying to be a Super Mom and decided to be a Real Mom instead.
She defined a Real Mom this way:
- Acknowledges she needs help
- Asks for what she needs
- Is resourceful
- Focuses on what is important to her kids
- Makes them part of the solution
- Lets go of being needed
It was great to see my client redefine her priorities by getting out of her own way and getting clear about her ultimate goal: teaching her children how to be whole and healthy.
This works for dads too!
English author and philosopher Francis Bacon, an advocate of inductive reasoning in science, wrote, “Knowledge is power” in 1597. This phrase has come up with many of my clients recently in a new form: self-knowledge is power.
One of the first steps in coaching is creating awareness of strengths, motivators and stress behaviors, typically through a personality assessment and confidential feedback from colleagues. The challenge then becomes what to do with that information. I often tell my clients, “You don’t have to agree with all of the feedback but you can choose what to do with it.”
- your strengths gives you the power to resist buying into destructive comments from an undermining co-worker.
- what motivates you gives you the power to pursue a role that makes you look forward to work every day.
- what triggers your stress behaviors gives you the power to stay calm and in control when your brain wants you to do the opposite.
What do you need to know in order to be your most powerful self?
In a recent presentation, Avoiding Potholes on the Road to Career Success, I mentioned one of the 20 habits in Marshall Goldsmith’s book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There — Passing Judgment. Goldsmith defines that as rating people according to our standards, which is different from stating an opinion.
This is a hard habit to break in a world focused on celebrities and reality TV. I admit to the guilty pleasure of watching the “pre-game show” on Academy Awards night, which is all about rating what the stars are wearing and judging how they look. When we pass judgment on someone’s appearance, actions or ideas, we assume we know better. No one wants to be judged.
If you need to break this habit, here is a celebrity challenge for you: try to avoid judging any ideas for one week. Stay neutral and just say, “Thanks.” That doesn’t mean you agree or disagree with the idea, only that you heard it. Notice how people react. If you find that suspending judgment leads to more open discussion, keep it up!
I am celebrating the fifth anniversary of founding my executive coaching and team development practice. The time has really flown by because I love what I do. I have had the privilege of working with and learning from amazing clients. It has been incredibly rewarding to hear clients say, “My colleagues and my family can tell I have been working hard to improve.” That means they are getting it — and applying it in all aspects of their lives.
In the process of completing my certification in Organizational Dynamics, I was reminded of the importance of recognizing people who have had an impact on my career. Thank you to those who encouraged and supported me, those who challenged me, and those who tried to hold me back. I wouldn’t be here without all of you.
Have you acknowledged the people who have helped you along the way? It’s never too late …
Do You Hear What I Hear?
As the Christmas carol says, “Do you hear what I hear?” If we’re honest, mostly what we hear is ourselves talking. Telling others what we think they should do or how they should feel or what we have accomplished since our last holiday letter.
What Am I Doing?
In our results-oriented world, it is easy to focus on delivering value by doing something. Although we think we’re helping by offering solutions, our spouse, colleague or friend may just want a sympathetic ear or a brainstorming partner.
Giving a Gift
This holiday season is a great time to give the gift of listening. That means:
- Keeping our mouths shut and holding our advice until we’re asked
- Emulating Nelson Mandela and focusing on the person who is talking as if there were no one else in the room
- Restating what was said so the other party feels heard
- Expressing empathy
I invite you to give this gift generously and often and reap the benefits of improved relationships.